Dissatisfaction.

Tonight was date night; a Friday like every other Friday. They would choose a nice restaurant to dine at and spend some quality time together away from the comforts of the home they had shared for the past three years. On this particular night they had chosen a sweet little french cafe on a busy laneway. Surprisingly, the cafe was quite empty and they were able to dine comfortably without needing to shout over their meal. The ambiance was wonderfully romantic with soft french music in the background, dim lights and a small candle inside its glass lantern on every table. It should’ve been enjoyable, however she was feeling a slight twinge of uneasiness and dissatisfaction inside.

She had finished her dessert and was now waiting for him. She had nothing to say and didn’t want to bother him whilst he was enjoying his crepe. So instead she sat, thinking to herself. She thought about what they had planned for the weekend and she processed all the news she had gathered from her friends that week. She had been so busy for the past few weeks, she wasn’t able to spend as much time with them as she wished but the last few days had been filled with catch-ups and great news. Seeing as he had finished his dessert, she decided to bring some of it up. For some reason, she really wanted to see his reaction.

“Babe, did you know that Joe proposed to Violet yesterday? The ring is absolutely gorgeous”.

” And I thought he was the sanest one out of us all… I guess not huh?” he laughed, glancing at the chunky silver watch on his wrist.

She could feel the panic rising and she was beginning to grow worried. Her palms felt clammy and her heart became uneasy. Just that one statement from him shook her. She felt as if the stability of their relationship was being tested, as if a block that was supporting it had been dislodged. The movie in her head of the future; the white picket fence, the two beautiful children laughing on the swings, the shared laughter; was slowly rewinding and disappearing and she had no idea how to get it back… Except to offer another piece of news.

” Well… Jack and Danielle just got pregnant ! I bet that’ll be wonderful for them.”

She waited for his reply with a bated breath, her eyes on his face to see his reaction. There was still hope left, she reminded herself.

“Wow… I really hope they’re happy about losing their freedom. I can’t see how they’ll be able to do anything after that. To each their own right?” He frowned. “Should I go pay now?”

She felt as if her whole world had been rocked. The things she thought she knew about him and about their future weren’t connecting in her mind. The plans they had made prior to moving in together were disappearing. The mini-movie in her head had now been erased from and she couldn’t summon it back. What did it mean? Did it mean that there wasn’t a feasible future between them?

There are turning points in one’s life when one discovers something that changes everything and she supposed this was one of them. She had one decision to make and she hoped it would be the right one.

“Babe… wait. I think we need to talk. ”

 

 

Happiness in the little moments.

The first thing that entered my eyes when I woke up was the sunlight streaming through the slits in your blinds. I had to blink several times before my eyes got used to the soft glow that was illuminating your room. Yawning and rubbing my eyes, I couldn’t help but pause and smile when I saw the photo of you as a child on the wall. Standing next to your brother, you looked so adorable with your hands behind your back and smiling mischievously. Who knew you would grow up to be such a serious man?

My smile became wider as I turned and saw you sleeping peacefully right next to me, with your arm next to mine. We fell asleep holding hands, as we usually did. Sleeping and waking up next to you has always been what made me happiest in the world.

Looking at the time on the clock next to the bed, I realised I had woken up too early. I couldn’t get out of bed either and risk waking you up from your peaceful slumber – not that I wanted to either. I wanted to just lay there and bask in the beauty of that moment – with the sunlight warming our skin and the sounds of your slow, yet steady breaths. There isn’t much that is more wonderful than this happiness.

You murmured something under your breath and I laughed. It didn’t sound like you were having a nightmare but I still wanted to hold you in my arms – to feel your soft skin against mine. Whether or not I was the big spoon or the little spoon, I just loved the feel of you around me. There was nothing that could compare, not even satin. As good as it felt on the skin, you felt a hundred times better. You are a hundred times better than anything I’ve ever known.

Closing my eyes, I couldn’t help but remember the night before.

I was already in bed by the time you turned off the lights and slid in with me. I wasn’t feeling as tired as I should be, or more like I didn’t want to waste time sleeping when I could be awake with you. You slid your arm under my neck as I lay my head against your strong chest. I could listen to your heartbeat which has always been one of my favourite sounds. When I sighed, you asked what was wrong. I told you nothing but you probably didn’t believe me. Honestly, I was just content. I felt like we were in our own little world and I never wanted that to end.

In the darkness of the room, we discussed anything that came to mind but all I wanted to do was listen to your voice. Soft, gentle, silvery are all words I could use to describe it but none of them could describe how beautiful your voice was; I just wanted to listen to it forever. In my opinion, there is not a more wonderful sound than your dulcet tones.

Somehow, the conversation had slowly stopped and you told me to go to sleep. I didn’t want to sleep though, I just wanted to bask in the moment but before long, I was drifting off and sleep had claimed me as his captive. Sometimes, I was scared of falling asleep because I often had nightmares but when I was next to you, I never had them. Sleeping next to you always provided the best sleep I would ever have.

The last thing I felt before falling sleep, was your fingers tightening around mine and the warm glow of happiness that filled my heart.

Sometimes I wonder what you’ve been up to – whether you’re happy and content without me in your life or are you struggling to fill the space that I’ve left? I wonder if our parting was an abrupt occasion or was it destined to happen sooner or later and then I wonder if it was a mistake. Was it a mistake to leave such a gap in each others lives? Was our actions leading up to that event a terrible sequence of events? Will it be something that we both regret in the future?

I recall that last moment before we said our goodbyes. It felt like there was just so much that needed to be said but the air between us couldn’t be filled with words. I recall how neither of us particularly wanted to leave but it had to be done, we had to part.

It was also the last time I saw your face.

 

Faded wings

The butterfly sat in the corner, with her knees pulled up and her covering her face. Her body was shaking as her wings crumpled around her, slightly torn and faded. A tiny sob escaped her mouth, so quiet that it would not have been heard if not all the other butterflies hadn’t gone out already. She was alone, underneath the velvet petals of her flower. All alone.

Her friends had told her to stay strong; to not fall down that spiral again but it was so hard. It was so hard to keep herself from crying, to keep herself from breaking down. It was so hard to keep up the facade of being okay. It was hard to go out and smile, feeling the way that she did. All she wanted to do was stay inside her flower and cry. She couldn’t keep up the strength to deal with it all, she was dying.
She could tell. She could see the tears in her wings. She could see how the vitality was leaving them; the colour that once was brilliant, was now faded. She was so close to giving up… so close…

Even when she was surrounded by other butterflies and her friends, she felt alone. She had never felt so lonely, so desolate. She felt empty, void of any warmth. She had felt so much pain for so long, she was now numb. Her tears had now dried up and all she could do was to make the sound but even then, her voice was going too. Everything, everything that showed she was alive, was leaving her. She didn’t know how she was even able to make it each day anymore.

Her stomach rumbled. She needed sustenance. If not for the begging of her best friend the day before, she wouldn’t even consider getting out of her flower to go and find nectar to drink. Well, at least I have one reason to live, she thought to herself as she slowly untucked herself from her position. Standing up, she fluttered her wings. It had been so long since she had last flown, they felt stiff and weak.

When she felt that she had shaken them out enough, she flew out of her flower only to be hit by the brilliance of the sunlight shining onto the garden. Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness of her closed flower after being in there for so long, the light had become foreign to her. Blinking several times and with the feeling of disorientation, she clumsily made her way to the nectar market.

On her way, she could hear all the murmurs around her.

Look at her, all alone.

Look at her, she has lost her colour.

Look at her, look at the poor state of her wings.

Look at her, she looks like a mess.

Look at her, she’s broken.

She could feel the stares of the other butterflies and of the bees around her. She just wanted to close her eyes and hide back into the safe haven that was her flower. She prayed that she wouldn’t make more of a fool out herself and she wished that she could just disappear. She wished that she could escape all the stares, all the murmuring, all of the judgement.

Luckily for her, she was able to get her nectar without taking too long and when she was leaving the market, all she could see were all the couples, all of the groups. It stung her heart and pierced her soul, to see how everyone else was able to be so happy, and yet happiness was eluding her when she had wished for it so much.

She wished that she would be able to find someone and become whole again. She wished she could regain her vitality and to shine again. She wished that she could hold someone’s hand and fly along together under the sun. She wished she could have someone to appreciate the flowers with her. She wished for happiness. But she knew no matter how much she wished and prayed, she would not attain it. She was torn and faded. She was broken and battered. She was unwanted and undesirable.

Suddenly, she heard a voice behind her. I want you.

She turned around to see a flash of light in front of her eyes and heard the soft fluttering of wings. Where are you?

I’m here, and I want you. She turned around once again, towards the voice. All she saw was the darkness. Please… I need you. Where are you?

She waited for a moment for a reply but there was nothing. She could not see nor hear a single thing.

It was all just in her head.

It was all just an illusion.

She was just deluding herself into thinking that there was someone out there who wanted her, who needed her.

All she wanted, was to become special again, to become someone.

All she wanted was happiness.

 

Untitled. (NaNoWriMo)

This is the first 1000 words of my novel. Please tell me what you think so far…

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“You’re so ugly. Why don’t you go and die! You ruin everything for us!”

Those words echoed inside Rina’s head as she stood in front of the metal sink in the girl’s bathroom, letting the water run over her new scars. She stared at the colour of the water slowly change from red to clear as the stinging pain disappeared as her blood started to clot. She was relieved that it healed up and wasn’t bleeding any-more, yet there was a part of her that wanted to continue to feel that numbing sensation that could only be felt when her skin was cut and the blood would slowly drip out. Those were the only times where she could stop feeling hurt, as the feeling took over her mind. She could close her eyes and just focus on the sting and forget about everything around her.

However, she needed to go home now… to go home and see the worried looks on her parents’ faces as they saw the dirt marks on her uniform and her hair hanging over her eyes. At least they didn’t hit my face today… she thought as she peered into one of the only spaces on the mirror that didn’t have graffiti on it.

She hated it. She hated looking in the mirror and seeing her grey eyes. She hated looking in the mirror and seeing her dry, cracked lips, her thick eyebrows and curly brown hair. She hated her pale skin when everyone else was tanned. She looked unhealthy and weak. She looked like the victim that she was.

The depression sunk in deeper as she stepped out of the bathroom and saw nobody around. As usual, she was the last student to leave. She saw the cleaner but as usual, he ignored her when she waved and like always, the rejection stung her and broke her heart just a little bit more.

The walk to her locker on the other side of the school was quiet and peaceful. She could smell the plants as she walked by them. They were the only ones that didn’t reject her greetings. It always seemed as if the leaves knew she was coming and they moved in an invisible wind, softly grazing against her palm. At least this was something that made her smile, not much else did. However, when she reached her locker, her smile dropped. There, on her locker were the words ‘bitch’, ‘ugly’, ‘freak’ and ‘dumb’, freshly written in a thick pink marker. At least it was a colour now, the older ones were written in black.

A tear escaped her eye and slowly slid down her face as she tried to keep it in. She was used to this… it happened all the time. She should stop feeling hurt over it… she told herself, but deep inside, she knew it was useless. It always hurt her no matter how many times it happened. It always pierced her heart whenever she had to collect books from her locker or when she had to put her bag or take her bag, depending on what time of day it was. It was horrible that one of the first things she saw whenever she went to school were those words all over the wooden door of her locker. It always caused her to want to cry and then she would get teased about that when her classmates saw her. She was just so tired and sick of it, but nobody would help her. Her teachers pretended it never happened and the cleaner had given up on cleaning her locker. The teachers used to ask him to clean it but awhile back, the cleaner told them that he didn’t want to anymore and it was useless because the next day it would happen again. Except for the times when they knew her parents were coming, they ignored it and she had to live with it.

As the pain started to overtake her, her fingers fumbled with the lock as another tear escaped her thickly lashed eyes. Opening her locker, she was glad that they hadn’t figured out her new combination and that none of her books were missing. Perhaps she should change to a key lock… but even then, they would pick her lock and steal her books just to torture her. They would go to any lengths to cause her pain. Once, she found a dead rat inside. The smell of decay lingered inside for days and that was the week she obtained permission to walk around with her bag. Unfortunately, her books were heavy and every day she had come home with a sore back. She would then just lie on bed, and not get much done at all. That week, her grades dropped from an A+ to a B+. Served her right they told her, it wasn’t fair to everyone else when she ruined their chances to get an A.

Her thin, bony fingers lingered on the spine of her biology book as she tried to remember if there was a test tomorrow. She hated trying to remember things, and thinking back. There was always a moment that she hated, that caused her pain. Having to think about it again was like pushing a shard of glass that she had taken out, right back into the healing wound on her heart.

She had no diary to look into and check because one of the girls had taken it from her today whilst the other pulled at her hair. Thick and ugly, they said as they poked fun at the curls she had inherited from her half French father, the curls that made her mother fall in love. They would’ve ripped out a chunk of it too, if she hadn’t decided to sacrifice her diary instead.

Better to be safe than sorry, as she tried to take it out. She was extra weak today as she hadn’t eaten lunch and her biology textbook was one of her heaviest ones. The walk home would be harder than usual today and she wasn’t looking forward to it one bit. Sighing, she wiped the tears off her cheek and let her bag thud against her back, causing her to nearly fall forwards. She glanced down at her dirty shoes and the dirt mark on her skirt and shuddered. She would have to make up another excuse for her parents today, one that didn’t involve her falling over. She had used it at least three times last week.

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It hasn’t been edited and the name is a pending one. If you have other suggestions, particular french names, please let me know.

If you can think of a title, do let me know 🙂

And if you’re wondering, some of this is based on my past experiences at my old high school, before I left and went to the one I just graduated from.

NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month

I finished my English Exam today, thank God. However, I can’t help but feel saddened that it was my last English essay EVER. It is highly unlikely that I would continue my English studies in the future, no matter how much I would like to. It just isn’t a viable option. I don’t know if I did well, because I felt as if I had completely messed up. I was pretty confident last night, when I finished two of my final essays but I was completely unprepared for the topics. Added to that, I fell asleep. Yes, I know what you’re thinking… who falls asleep during an exam? Especially one that was so important? Well I did. I was just so exhausted and my eyes were so dry… worst day ever. I hope I get at least over 40… although it seems but a dream now when my tutor told me I could even get over 45… 😦

Back to more pleasant things…I do love to write and I’ll continue to blog and write my stories, however it just isn’t the same without deadlines and whatnot. Yeah I know, nobody likes deadlines but they create pressure for me which makes me want to write… well forces me to write really. So I’ve decided to do NaNoWriMo.

What is NaNoWriMo?

Well the National Novel Writing Month is dedicated to a month full writing with the goal towards having a novel that is 50,000 words long by November 30th.

It does sound really hard because for me, writing a thousand word chapter sometimes even feels difficult… but I’m going to give it a try and hope I make it at least close to completing it. I have no idea what I am going to write about but… something will come to me. I might use an outline I’ve done on my Wattpad that I never uploaded chapters to due to lack of concentration and inspiration beyond the synopsis. Warning: It will have love, angst, some violence perhaps and maybe even some smut… I don’t think it’ll contain humour though… I’m not a really funny person at all.

And yes, I should note that Australian English/British English DOES have the “u” in certain words such as humour and colour. So if you see it and assume I’ve made a spelling mistake, I haven’t. If there’s any other mistakes, let me know.

Broken Angel

This is a story I started a while ago, but haven’t finished. I will eventually finish it *fingers crossed* over my upcoming holidays – i.e after I finish high school.

 

This is my inspiration: 

Have you ever felt lost before? Like you made the wrong decision and ended up on the darkest road – the road to a journey you never wanted to take. Well right now, that’s where I am. I’m lost.

Everyone always says that there’s a bright light at the end of every dark tunnel, that we will emerge for the better, brighter ending that we couldn’t have imagined before. Well I say that that is absolute crap. They haven’t been in my shoes nor do they know me, so how can they say that? If they don’t know the journey itself, or the two possible endings, how can they compare them?

Well I suppose this sounds dreary and you think it’ll get better because I’ll meet my Prince Charming and he’ll rescue me from all my problems and make everything better, but no, it won’t work out like that. It won’t be sunshine and rainbows for me. If you’re still interested, you can keep reading my story but I’ll warn you beforehand, this is not the classic girl is sad, girl meets guy, he makes everything better and they live happily ever after. My story is sad, happy, gritty, confronting and is not for the faint or romantic of heart.

My name is Lianna and I’m a normal 17 year old girl in her final year of high school. I will occasionally play sports, have absolutely no aptitude with music and have no skill that I could say I do better than anyone else. I have no siblings and no pets. I live in an average suburb and attend an average school. I’m average. There isn’t anything about me that particularly stands out at all.

You may scoff and tell me that I’m just being modest but I believe in honesty and I wouldn’t lie to you. I’m of an average height and average looks – average brown chest-length hair, average brown eyes, average body. Boring right? What will probably interest you are my experiences and my thoughts.

You will find the following chapters on my wattpad page or here.