Archive | April, 2014

Protected: So this is it. My Secret.

9 Apr

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Moving.

9 Apr

It’s been awhile since my last post but I’m feeling stressed. And what do I do when I’m feeling overwhelmed? I write about it.

Geez… where to start though… Well. I’m moving this week. Yep. After nearly 20 years of being in the same suburb and living around the same people; I’m moving about a 15 minute drive away. It’ll take me an extra 20 minutes to get to university and I won’t be so close to the asian goodness that is Springvale anymore but it’s a quieter neighbourhood and I’ll finally be only sharing my bathroom with my sister… who I’m hoping will finally leave things where they belong and not take them into her room (I’ve gone through at least 5 pairs of tweezers!). However… it also means that I’ll need to downsize the amount of stuff I have. Right now my room is 5mx3m and I’ll be moving into a 2.5x2m room… which is a big downgrade. It means that I’ll have to somehow halve my clothing which should be easy as I always wear the same sort of stuff. But it’s not. I keep making excuses like “I’ll eventually want to wear this but if I throw it away, i’ll have to buy it again”. It doesn’t help it that my parents are telling me the same thing either. “Keep it, you’ll need it”. I might want it again some day, but at the same time my new closet space is only half of what i currently have so I have to throw things away and I don’t know how to do that. Tips please? or maybe just be the wise person by my side who doesn’t let me weaken my resolve?¬†Aside from moving, there’s my confusion about my identity.

If you know me then you also know that I’m pretty much accepting of who I am and I’m not afraid to be me. Forget social cues and polite conversation, I can’t do either and I’ll talk your head off about the best dick size or I’ll be praising self-love. I knew who I was but now, I’m not so sure. I’m feeling lost and really confused about myself at the moment. If I thought you could handle it, I would’ve told you about this because this isn’t something that most people understand. In fact, I’d say that most people reject this. If that doesn’t give you a clue as to what I’m confused about then… well. let’s just say that if there were still witch hunts, I’d be on the top of the list.

It’s not exactly about my sexuality (bi/pansexual in case you were wondering) but it’s something else. it’s something else that is crucial to my identity. And I would love to be honest about it but I feel that if I did, there would be so much judgement left at my door. If I’m already not judged enough for who I am, then this would make it worse. This is worse than the confusion I was going through when I was coming out of the metaphorical closet. It’s stressful hiding who I am but at the same time, it’s stressful being who I am. I don’t want to be thinking about this new quality that I know about myself or at least think I know. If I didn’t already think I wasn’t a decent enough human being, then this will make it worse.

Sigh. Well there it is. That is me right now, sharing what I can to the world.