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19 Aug

Another sleepless night. They haven’t been happening as frequently as of late but… it seems that when I actually really need the sleep (I start class at 9am , have a group presentation and a full day) I can’t. And as usual, it’s because of a man. Or to be more precise, of men in general.

I feel like at this point, my heart is held together by bandaids. Each bandaid just a quick fix, destined to fall off, to weaken its hold. Another man, another bandaid. Another disappointment and further breakage. If my heart was a physical object, I would wonder why it hasn’t crushed to bits. I would wonder at all why I keep trying when the search for what I’m looking for is proving fruitless.

I won’t lie. I’ve dated a lot. I’ve gone on more first dates this year than I’ve got shoes. And jeez, I can’t say it’s been the best experience of my life. In fact, I’d even say I hate dating. I really do. And don’t tell me that I haven’t gone on enough dates or that I haven’t met the right guy. I’ve gone on dates with all sorts of guys. They all have different interests and occupations (or studies). I’ve gone on dates with ‘alphas’ and ‘betas’. I’ve gone to the movies, to pancake parlour, to Nobu and to the art gallery. I’ve tried dating guys I knew from uni, guys I’ve picked up at the bus stop and even online dating. But you know what, it’s mostly all ended up with me feeling the same way : hating men.

Maybe I should get a guidebook or something but men are confusing. They don’t really seem to know what they want. They’re not upfront about things or they just plain straight out lie. Maybe I’m going through dating the wrong way. Maybe I should’ve gone about it as if it was a game. Maybe I should be a cold icy bitch. Maybe I should always let the guy pay. Maybe I shouldn’t be honest and maybe I shouldn’t be myself. Maybe I should be docile and quiet. Because it seems as if I’m going about everything all wrong. Because it all ends the same way. Disappointing. Heartbreaking.

I can’t say I’m a romantic. I know that I won’t get flowers and I’ll be lucky if he even decides to pick up the bill for dinner. I know that he’ll talk about himself a bit too much and I’ll have to laugh (because it’s polite). I know that he won’t hold my hand or walk me home. I know not to expect too much. But perhaps it’s all these thoughts that are setting me up for failure.  Maybe that’s why I’ve been happy to settle for something less than what I truly deserve. Maybe that’s why even though I try my best for every relationship, my partner never does the same.

My last boyfriend (whom I broke up with recently) I probably shouldn’t have dated for as long as I did. My friends would ask, “Why are you dating him?” and I would tell them that he enjoys affection. He pays for dinner and he was polite with my family. Which is all well and good but… even I knew deep down that… I shouldn’t have stayed. Whilst he was good in some areas, in others, he was severely lacking in. The things that weren’t right… weren’t enough… If I had been the me before I became this broken, I wouldn’t have accepted. I would have just left it at that and I would’ve moved on.

But I didn’t. I stayed. I stayed through the doubts, and the problems. I stayed through the silence and I stayed long enough to let myself get hurt. And I wonder why? Why is it so hard to find magic? Why is it so hard to find someone who could like me for me? Why is so hard to find someone who wouldn’t use me? Why is it so hard to find someone who wants more than just a night of ‘fun’? Why is it so hard to find someone who is at least a little bit right?

All I want is a good guy. A guy good enough to be happy with. And no more sleepless nights. Please.

Five Fantasy Faces

18 Mar

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So I was tagged by heartofparadise to do a post on the personalities of the five people I would surround myself with and bleed into my own self. This was no easy feat because well, I don’t have too many problems with myself or I’ve tried to stop myself from even thinking about it. However, I did manage to make a list.

1. Sheldon Cooper

Sheldon absolutely cracks me up with his blunt honesty and his inability to comprehend the social norms. I also utterly adore his confidence in himself. It’s really something to aspire to for me since I have minimal confidence in my own intelligence. I always second guess my answers and it’s quite a bad trait.

Image2. Sherlock Holmes

Since I haven’t really watched many versions of this man, I am referring to the Sherlock in Elementary portrayed by Johnny Lee Miller and the Sherlock in Sherlock Holmes portrayed by Robert Downey Jr. However I do believe that the characteristics should all be the same – highly intelligent men who know absolutely everything and can solve any crime possible. I wouldn’t want their drug addictions though, just their abilities to decipher information about a person from seemingly minimal amounts of information.

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3. Luna Lovegood

As the Harry Potter Wiki puts it: Luna was an extremely quirky girl with a serene disposition and many eccentric beliefs and qualities. She was a complete nonconformist; she lacked self-consciousness and wasn’t afraid to show who she truly was. Luna was also highly intelligent and unusually perceptive.

Luna is my absolute female idol. I don’t know how to put it into any other way. Although most would perceive her as a weirdo, I found her interesting. If she lived in this day and age, she would be a diamond among diamantes. Where we all strive to turn ourselves into the image society deems as “perfect”, she turns away from that and doesn’t even take notice of it. She has achieved zen (as in she’s understood and accepted herself fully, therefore finding true happiness)

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4. Narcissa Malfoy

Okay, I know that a lot of people would be saying ‘what the eff’ to this but I still think she belongs on this list. Narcissa may be proud, cold and she may discriminate against those who aren’t pure bloods, but Narcissa truly loved her family and would do anything to keep them safe. That is the part about her that I admire, how she was able to put aside her pride and actually make Snape make the unbreakable vow with her in order to keep Draco safe. There are various instances in the novels that Narcissa does what she has to, in order to protect her family.

main-helen-mccrory5. Hermione Granger

I’m not sure I need to explain this. Hermione is quite a female icon. She’s intelligent and unafraid to show it; she’s courageous yet level-headed; and she’s highly protective of her friends and of the weak. Every list should have Hermione somewhere on it.

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Versatile Blogger Awards

10 Nov

One of the first things I do each morning is to check my emails. Usually there aren’t many interesting emails in my many email accounts but this morning was different. I received an email from WordPress about a new post on one of my favourite blogs Heart of Paradise (which is the blog of one of my lovely friends). What was this post you may wonder? Well she just found out that she was nominated for an award, the Versatile Blogger award to be exact.

What is the Versatile Blogger award?

I really have no idea because even the blog site of this award doesn’t have much information on it but I’m assuming it has something to do with versatility? Anyhow, these are the rules of the award according to the site 

If you are nominated, you’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger award.

  •  Thank the person who gave you this award. That’s common courtesy.
  •  Include a link to their blog. That’s also common courtesy — if you can figure out how to do it.
  •  Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. ( I would add, pick blogs or bloggers that are excellent!)
  •  Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to this site.
  •  Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

What does that have to do with me? Well, she nominated me as part of her 15 (13) bloggers and you can find her post here. Cảm ơn N!

Well… Seven things about myself. That’s really hard because I never know what to tell people whenever they even ask me about myself. I ask for questions. I’m really no good at this but here it goes…

1. I have 156 Bottles of nail polish at the moment. Seriously, I have about 10-20 bottles more to come from my friend in the US. I started getting into nailpolish at the end of 2010. I have no idea why but I was suddenly excited about all the colours and all the types of nail polish there was. I have holographic polishes, shatter polishes, creme polishs, glitters, flakies – you name it (unless it was a new 2012 nail fad, I probably don’t. I became more focused on school). I have used about 20% of my stash. The thing about nail polish is that it doesn’t really go off. The discolouration you see is just the chemicals separating and if you mix it up again, its fine. I know women who have kept their OPI polishes from the 90’s and these days, they are worth hundreds of dollars! I could talk about nail polish for ages but moving on…

2. I love makeup. I really do. I love the beauty of it. I love how it changes and enhances a person’s features (when used right). I love the colours and the textures. I love everything about it really, except the price. It’s really expensive. I never knew how much it cost for a woman to use makeup until I started buying it myself and dang, is it expensive. I probably spent/will spend $500 on makeup this year. Last year, because I was starting out, I probably spent upwards of $1000. It’s a lot, I know but I got addicted and bought everything I could possibly need (although I can tell you, I still have gaps in my collection). I’ve got blushes, highlighters, hundreds of eyeshadow shades and about 30 lipsticks. It’s crazy but it’s art.

3. On the outside I may look like the proper girl with my blazers and heels etc but deep inside, I am rock ‘n’ roll xD I love my rock music, my chains and my spikes. I just don’t like skulls though…

4. My goal in life is to be a housewife. That’s right. It’s the 21st century and there is a girl who strongly believes in equality but wants to be a housewife. Oh, I can hear the feminists crying right now… I’ve always been vocal about my support of equal rights for all which stereotypically means that I believe women should all be in careers but that’s not what I want for myself and I see nothing wrong with that. I love to bake and cook. I feel more accomplished making a delicious meal or cake than I do whenever I pass a test. I feel more comfortable doing the dishes than I do at parties. I really just want a family of my own to look after and I know most would say it’s backwards but I’ve got my maternal instinct deeply rooted inside me. Honestly, I am happy to do all those housewifey things and that’s what I want to spend my life doing.

5. I’m sure many women would be mad at me or argue with me about this but… I am not a feminist. I am a humanitarian. I believe in Equality. You could say that feminists search for equality but by the very definition, they only have one agenda and that’s women. Yes, there are many women around the world who are treated as inferior to men (It’s quite prevalent in Asian society) and I support the quest for equality for them but I am not a feminist. Argue with me all you like, but I am for equality which doesn’t equal feminism. If it did, it would be called Equalitarian or something like that. But it’s not. I don’t believe in the superiority of women over men and that fight over who is better as a gender. Every single person has a talent or something good about them but they also have flaws. We should treat everyone the same, regardless of their gender/s. Contrary to popular belief that women are still treated badly, we’re not. For example, there are many cases where the punishment for women are lightened in comparison to if the person was a man. You could talk about our salaries and yes, women in general do earn less than men (although the richest person in Australia is a woman) but there are many factors to this and you might think I’m sexist but women generally don’t do the heavy work. It’s the truth. We’re thought of as the “fairer” and “weaker” sex by men and thus, we’re given the lighter work. So in comparison, the men should earn more because they take more stress on their bodies. Equality doesn’t mean that it should be completely equal, but equal in terms of our abilities and our strengths. The best make up artists and designers in the world are men. Not women, but men. You’d think that since it’s more marketed at women that the best would be women but that’s not true. You could call upon Coco Chanel and say she was amazing etc but guess what? Her designs were based on men’s clothing. This has become a rant about equality and feminism but my main point is, I’m a humanitarian who believes in Equality for all, and not just for women. There are discriminations against men too which we don’t take notice of because we’re fighting for just women, not for all humans.

6. I don’t really drink coffee… I know that the norm is to go and grab coffees but I can’t do that. I probably drink coffee less than 20 times a year. It’s always awkward when people ask me to go and drink coffee with them because I don’t drink it. I know nothing about each different type or the difference between a good coffee and a bad coffee. I do love the scent of coffee though but yeah… I don’t really drink it. Which is good because one of the top causes of bad breath is coffee although if two coffee drinkers kiss, I suppose it wouldn’t be a problem…?

7. Most of my crushes are anime/manga characters. I know what you’re thinking, this girl is weird but I really do feel attracted to them. I don’t know why but my heart speeds up whenever I see Toriko fighting the alien robots, Luffy saving his friends, Zoro wielding his katanas and I squeal like a fangirl when I watch the guys in Prince of Tennis and Kuroko’s basketball sweat and run all over their respective courts. I’d rather look at these than topless muscled men. Weird, but that’s me.

So… 7 things that will make you hate me, like me or think I’m a freak. I hope you still like me though… ><”

My nominations for the Versatile Blogger Awards are:

Honestly, I could only think of these few blogs that I read on a regular basis. I highly recommend all of them, so check them out!