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On the Edge

11 Aug

Tonight, instead of thinking about how much I’d rather die and stop existing, I’m choosing to instead write about how I’m faring. I don’t know how many people read these posts, or find it helpful/interesting etc, but I guess I just need to vent somehow, without inconveniencing others.

I would love to say that I’ve gotten better and that things are under control, but that would be one of the biggest lies I would ever have to tell. Honestly, I feel like I’m on the edge most of the time. I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope where I can’t see the end and the bottom looks inviting in its despair. But I can’t miss a step and fall into the abyss because everybody keeps telling me to live. But isn’t that selfish? Telling me that they want me to live, and yet putting me in the position where I have to keep suffering; day after day. Everybody tells me it gets better, and that all I need to is to smile, go out, exercise etc when those are all things that depression & anxiety stops me from doing in the first place. And when I can’t; when I’m in tears, frustrated or angry; they tell me I’m not trying hard enough.

See, the thing is that I’m trying. I’m trying every day. Every day that I’m still alive is proof that I’m trying even if I’m just lying in bed. Because it’s so hard, to have to keep living with myself; with the thoughts in my head. It’s so hard to keep living and trying when I’m so weak and exhausted by this battle. Even a trip to Japan didn’t halve the pain. Sure, I loved it but it was just a minor distraction. The whole time I was there; I was trying to hold in the tears, in the frustration, in the worries and the pain. And when I came back, I had to try my best to keep pretending that things had gotten better and when I failed, I was questioned as to why. Why aren’t you better. You just went to Japan, why are you still depressed. And I didn’t know how to answer. I still don’t know to answer.

If I wasn’t scared of failing, and if I wasn’t scared of the scars I could leave my family with, I would’ve just passed on by now. I rarely feel good about myself and I feel like I’m a burden to everyone in my life. I can see the pain and frustration my parent’s get by my tears, my appointments and my unhappiness. I can see my boyfriend’s patience waning as he no longer wants to hold me when I’m down, to deal with my moods, to take me to my appointments, to even spend time with me. I feel like I’m a burden to everyone that’s close to me and I just want to stop feeling so guilty. I don’t want to be alive to see them give up on me. The pain is already unbearable enough. Can’t I just get respite? Can’t I just stop existing?

I no longer feel my life is worth living, nor do I feel my existence is valuable. Isn’t that the end then?

100615 : A reason to wake

10 Jun

Have you ever thought about going to sleep but you couldn’t think of a reason to wake up?

That’s me, right now. I wanted to go to sleep, but I couldn’t think of a single reason for me to wake up tomorrow. I can’t think of a single thing to look forward to; tomorrow or even the day after. I know it’ll be Friday, but it’ll just be another repetitive week: wake up at 7am, go to work, go home, have dinner, watch Friends and sleep. I know that I’m heading to Japan soon, but thinking about the time before that, I can’t think of any reason to keep going.

My thoughts aren’t suicidal at the moment exactly… maybe tired. I really am just tired of everything right now. I can’t think of a single reason as to why it would be bad to not wake up tomorrow. I know that everyone will remind me that I’m young, and there’s so much more of life to discover and enjoy. But I’m too tired to even care. I feel like I’ve already reached the height (or bottom I guess) of my emotional rollercoaster and I’m already sick of being so low, and not really being excited or happy about life.

I don’t think if you saw me around these days, you would recognise me because I look different before the depression hit full force. I’ve been stress eating, my body is constantly in pain, I never have a good night’s sleep anymore… I’ve aged at least 10 years in the past few weeks. I look like a zombie. My mother is always telling me I look like an old woman now.

I honestly feel like an old woman though. I feel like I’ve taken enough life out of my body and mind. My body aches, my heart is hurt from the anxiety. I get headaches from lack of sleep. I just don’t know of any reason for me to wake up tomorrow. And it’s killing me even further inside. I’m running out of tears to cry every night. Crying is supposed to make us feel better but now, it feels like crying is redundant because no matter how many tears I shed every night, I still feel as shitty the next day.

And I no longer feel like myself anymore. I feel like I’m a ghost of my old self… I feel like a shell overtaken by negative energy. My dad tells me I’m probably possessed by a negative ghost and I’ve got to fight it off… but I can’t. I’m exhausted and lost and confused. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t understand myself anymore. I feel like an observer who makes everything worse in ‘Anna’s’ life. I feel disconnected from myself, if that makes sense. I think I’ve gone off the footpath and walked into the scary forest you’re supposed to avoid.

I thought if I took time off of uni, things will ease off… and it did. For awhile and then the personal things started to attack me even more. I’m bruised, battered and fragile. I don’t know how to differentiate between truth and lies. I’m paranoid and unbelieving of everyone. It’s hard to be this way. It’s hard to be constantly be pushed down by the negativity, to be rained on without an umbrella in the storm. I don’t know how I’ll keep going… and if I can even make it. I don’t know if it’s better to be alive and be constantly unhappy, anxious, worried, angry and paranoid or to just submit myself to the void and feel nothing.

A lot of the time nowadays… I feel like the latter is the better option. But one step at a time… I guess I have to try and figure out a reason to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow.

190814

19 Aug

Another sleepless night. They haven’t been happening as frequently as of late but… it seems that when I actually really need the sleep (I start class at 9am , have a group presentation and a full day) I can’t. And as usual, it’s because of a man. Or to be more precise, of men in general.

I feel like at this point, my heart is held together by bandaids. Each bandaid just a quick fix, destined to fall off, to weaken its hold. Another man, another bandaid. Another disappointment and further breakage. If my heart was a physical object, I would wonder why it hasn’t crushed to bits. I would wonder at all why I keep trying when the search for what I’m looking for is proving fruitless.

I won’t lie. I’ve dated a lot. I’ve gone on more first dates this year than I’ve got shoes. And jeez, I can’t say it’s been the best experience of my life. In fact, I’d even say I hate dating. I really do. And don’t tell me that I haven’t gone on enough dates or that I haven’t met the right guy. I’ve gone on dates with all sorts of guys. They all have different interests and occupations (or studies). I’ve gone on dates with ‘alphas’ and ‘betas’. I’ve gone to the movies, to pancake parlour, to Nobu and to the art gallery. I’ve tried dating guys I knew from uni, guys I’ve picked up at the bus stop and even online dating. But you know what, it’s mostly all ended up with me feeling the same way : hating men.

Maybe I should get a guidebook or something but men are confusing. They don’t really seem to know what they want. They’re not upfront about things or they just plain straight out lie. Maybe I’m going through dating the wrong way. Maybe I should’ve gone about it as if it was a game. Maybe I should be a cold icy bitch. Maybe I should always let the guy pay. Maybe I shouldn’t be honest and maybe I shouldn’t be myself. Maybe I should be docile and quiet. Because it seems as if I’m going about everything all wrong. Because it all ends the same way. Disappointing. Heartbreaking.

I can’t say I’m a romantic. I know that I won’t get flowers and I’ll be lucky if he even decides to pick up the bill for dinner. I know that he’ll talk about himself a bit too much and I’ll have to laugh (because it’s polite). I know that he won’t hold my hand or walk me home. I know not to expect too much. But perhaps it’s all these thoughts that are setting me up for failure.  Maybe that’s why I’ve been happy to settle for something less than what I truly deserve. Maybe that’s why even though I try my best for every relationship, my partner never does the same.

My last boyfriend (whom I broke up with recently) I probably shouldn’t have dated for as long as I did. My friends would ask, “Why are you dating him?” and I would tell them that he enjoys affection. He pays for dinner and he was polite with my family. Which is all well and good but… even I knew deep down that… I shouldn’t have stayed. Whilst he was good in some areas, in others, he was severely lacking in. The things that weren’t right… weren’t enough… If I had been the me before I became this broken, I wouldn’t have accepted. I would have just left it at that and I would’ve moved on.

But I didn’t. I stayed. I stayed through the doubts, and the problems. I stayed through the silence and I stayed long enough to let myself get hurt. And I wonder why? Why is it so hard to find magic? Why is it so hard to find someone who could like me for me? Why is so hard to find someone who wouldn’t use me? Why is it so hard to find someone who wants more than just a night of ‘fun’? Why is it so hard to find someone who is at least a little bit right?

All I want is a good guy. A guy good enough to be happy with. And no more sleepless nights. Please.

Happily Ever After

20 Apr

Doesn’t exist.

Oh, did I burst your little harlequin romance bubble? (The Ugly Truth).

I don’t think you even need to be a rocket scientist to even figure that out these days. You can just look at the divorce rate – 50% of marriages end in divorce. I don’t know about you, but a 50% chance of my marriage being the one that survives… well that’s just scary. I feel like I should stop chasing it, and I’m only 18.

I know at 18 I shouldn’t really be worrying about this. I should be having the time of my life, enjoying the uni life to the fullest etc etc. But I don’t find it appealing at all. There’s nothing appealing about ruining my health by drinking excessively or catching an sti from someone after hooking up with them whilst drunk. There’s nothing appealing about having relationships that don’t end up anywhere. They just feel like a waste of time, effort and money. Which they are really… why invest your time in something that you know won’t last?

Some might argue that they like the company, affection or knowing that they have somebody there which I have to admit, is pretty awesome but then again, the price attached to that is pretty high. You’ll need to spend money on this person (especially if you’re a guy), you’ve got to make time for this person, give up some stuff for this person and you’ll probably end up loving them. But in the end, you both know that you’ll break up anyways. So why bother?

But really… at only 18, I’m sick of it all. I’m sick of the games. I’m sick of chasing it. I really am. It could be my depression talking but I feel jaded. I’m sick of meeting the wrong guys. I’m sick of dates going nowhere or ending badly. I’m sick of waiting for guys making the first move, yet they never do and only reveal that they were interested after much circling and me making the first move. I’m sick of getting rejected. I’m sick of the worrying about it all. I’m sick of it all. I’ve just gone on too many dates and deleted too many numbers off of my phone. I just wish for this impossible happily ever after.

I know that its impossible to be always happy in a relationship so the happily ever after doesn’t really ‘exist’. What I mean is the happily ever after where i really like or even love the other person and we spend a lot of our time together, doing just the simple things like enjoying a cuddle on the couch; cooking a meal together; taking a walk together; laughing together; having long debates that take us from topic to topic and just enjoying the time together. But it all really seems like a fantasy that isn’t bound to happen because it just feels like I’ve gone through so much, yet I still haven’t managed to have a person in my life that I could do all those things with.

I feel like half of a romantic just thinking about all these things. I feel jaded about dating but I still can’t help but wish for a man who smells like heaven and gives me a bouquet of flowers on our first date. A man whom I would really click with and am able to be myself with. A man who can make me laugh and smile all the time – and never faking it either. I want a man who I would enjoy everything life has to offer with and whom I would have great chemistry with. I want a man who I would heat up the sheets with and never get bored. I want Mr. Impossible.

But he doesn’t exist. Happy ever after doesn’t exist…. but its something that I’m wishing will be proved wrong…

 

Great Expectations

19 Nov

At work, my supervisor likes to turn on the radio to Fox Fm which will usually play the top hits of the day which right now, contains Justin Bieber’s Beauty and a Beat. As I was listening to the lyrics, I couldn’t help but feel a bit irritated at the lines:

I wanna show you all the finer things in life
So just forget about the world, we’re young tonight

Now, these aren’t an unusual bunch of lines. Many singers will sing about being young and enjoying the finer things in life. There’s nothing wrong with that, except it creates false expectations or even unfair expectations for males with girlfriends who listens to this sort of music (I usually don’t, but when it’s blasting out of the radio at a high volume, one can’t help but listen). The expectation that men and boys are meant to spend vast amounts of money on their girlfriends to show them “the finer things in life”.

Now I’ve been in the dating game for a long time and I do remember a time when I too, expected boyfriends to shower me with gifts and pay for everything but that was when I was young and naive and quite stupid, which is the best way to put it I think. I soon grew out of those thoughts when I entered my long-term and serious relationship where I learnt a great deal about being in a real relationship which included equality – splitting the bill, giving equal amounts of gifts etc.

I know that even though I grew out of those thoughts, many girls still haven’t and everyday there are more and more girls that are affected by such songs and before they even begin to date, already have this mindset that they will be entering relationships and judging them about how much of the “finer things in life” their partners will show them. They aren’t judging the relationship by the quality of the chemistry or how well they get along, but what gifts the guy will give them after fights, or during anniversary or the material things they will receive during this time. This is very, very unfair.

It is very unfair to expect the boy to pay for everything, just because of his gender. It’s unfair that he will have to use his hard-earned money to entertain the girl and to keep her. Why can’t she spend her money on him? Is there a difference in value between the money from a female and money from a male? Why is it that we as women expect equality given to us yet we force inequality on males? Perhaps it can be forgiven that they are young and therefore stupid, but what about those 20 year old girls that still expect the same? Sure, in the dating world, the guy should pay on the first date and that’s it. After that, it’s fair for him to expect the girl to help with the bill. I don’t think that’s wrong at all, I would not go on a second date with a guy who doesn’t pay on the first date. It’s one thing to be unfair, but another to not be a gentleman.

It is the relationship after the first date that really matters isn’t it? We’ve judged each other after the first and if there’s a second, then we’ve decided we’ve liked them right? So why do girls expect the guy to give them things in order to keep the girl in their life? If someone expected me to pay for everything and give them gifts, I’d kick them out of my life, I don’t want them in it. What happened to the little things, the simpler things and the only things that mattered were the thoughts and feelings put in? Why is it that a poem that took days to write will be overshadowed by a designer bag? This isn’t how it’s meant to be but it seems that it’s what society demands – to be as materialistic as possible. They tell us that a good date is one where we’re taken out to a really nice but expensive restaurant, where he will order champagne and pay for it all. I’d much rather he would cook me a dinner from scratch and even if it doesn’t taste like a chef made it, just him trying his best to make something for me would be enough. Even better, we would make it together and both contribute something!

The materialistic-ness of the “pop” world is probably why I don’t bother with it. I don’t seek out pop music or even rap because there is a very high chance that they will be singing about buying things, spending money on their partners and that’s what love is. It isn’t, not at all but they are feeding many susceptible minds with that thought and that makes me feel sad that society is so materialistic and like a virus, it wants to spread it to as many people as possible. Perhaps in a thousand years, we’ll all be emotionless robots as we wouldn’t know the value of things such as effort, or care and we wouldn’t know what real love is any more. We’d consider the quality of the relationship by the amount of money spent, not the hours poured over making it, or the thoughts put in. It makes me sad that young teens are affected by this and so very often, I’d read about girls gushing over the latest present they’d gotten from their boyfriends instead of gushing over the time and effort the boy went through procuring this gift, or about how meaningful the gift is because to me, a designer bag doesn’t have much sentimental value at all. It’s a nice gift and I would appreciate it if my guy got me one, but it would be even nicer if he would write a song, record it and give it to me. That is a gift I would love even more and I hope that in the future, girls will stop taking materialistic thoughts to heart and learn to appreciate the real best things in life that happen to be free, only costing time and effort which should always be appreciated.

I don’t know whether I should be offended or be happy…

1 Nov

that I’ve never been carded. I will occasionally buy wine or other alcoholic beverages and whenever I get to the register, there is a sign glaring at me that informs me that everyone that looks like they are under 25 will have to show proof of age to make a purchase. And I’ve never been carded. How do I take that? Should I be glad that I look older and more mature than my 18 years or do I feel offended that I look at least 7 years older than I really am?

I’ve had this issue for a while. Ever since I was about 14, I’ve never been told that I looked my age by a stranger. Or perhaps it started way before that… I don’t know. But even at 16, people were asking me which university I went to. They were always surprised that I was still in high school, and 16 at that. I probably could have gone into a liquor store and bought something without being carded (however my man told me that it wouldn’t work… so I didn’t try)

I never used to think that looking older was a bad thing since how could it be? Most girls my age were using makeup to attempt what I could be naturally. However, after graduating from year 12, I can’t help but feel like I never want to grow up. I want to be forever young and just be happy and carefree forever. It was my looks that stopped me before but now, my age has also caught up. I’m legally an adult and responsible for myself. It really sucks. It makes me think of  Taylor Swift’s Never Grow up which is a lovely song however it is quite irrelevant to me since these lyrics:

No one’s ever burned you
Nothing’s ever left you scarred

I’ve already lived beyond what she sings about… except moving out. I’ve grown up already but I wish I could be a kid again and be naive, innocent and happy. I know that being a kid stops one from doing the “fun” things in life like clubbing, driving, dating and drinking but seriously, those things aren’t all that great.

I know I don’t have the experience of clubbing or driving but honestly, what is so good about cramped and noisy spaces where you’re rubbing against a smelly stranger or car insurance and worrying about rocketing petrol prices? Drinking is nice but I only drink because I like the taste of it, not to get that high or to get wasted. I could easily make do with just normal lemonade. And as for dating? At this age, we’re more likely to get dumped and reject a thousand times before really finding “the one” and living happily ever after (although the rate of divorce is 50%, not something to look forward to either…)

I think I’ve rambled a bit here but I think I’ve decided that I am a bit offended that people think I’m old. It’s not easy nor nice and I would like to be forever young and youthful, rather than mature and burdened with adult problems.

NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month

1 Nov

I finished my English Exam today, thank God. However, I can’t help but feel saddened that it was my last English essay EVER. It is highly unlikely that I would continue my English studies in the future, no matter how much I would like to. It just isn’t a viable option. I don’t know if I did well, because I felt as if I had completely messed up. I was pretty confident last night, when I finished two of my final essays but I was completely unprepared for the topics. Added to that, I fell asleep. Yes, I know what you’re thinking… who falls asleep during an exam? Especially one that was so important? Well I did. I was just so exhausted and my eyes were so dry… worst day ever. I hope I get at least over 40… although it seems but a dream now when my tutor told me I could even get over 45… 😦

Back to more pleasant things…I do love to write and I’ll continue to blog and write my stories, however it just isn’t the same without deadlines and whatnot. Yeah I know, nobody likes deadlines but they create pressure for me which makes me want to write… well forces me to write really. So I’ve decided to do NaNoWriMo.

What is NaNoWriMo?

Well the National Novel Writing Month is dedicated to a month full writing with the goal towards having a novel that is 50,000 words long by November 30th.

It does sound really hard because for me, writing a thousand word chapter sometimes even feels difficult… but I’m going to give it a try and hope I make it at least close to completing it. I have no idea what I am going to write about but… something will come to me. I might use an outline I’ve done on my Wattpad that I never uploaded chapters to due to lack of concentration and inspiration beyond the synopsis. Warning: It will have love, angst, some violence perhaps and maybe even some smut… I don’t think it’ll contain humour though… I’m not a really funny person at all.

And yes, I should note that Australian English/British English DOES have the “u” in certain words such as humour and colour. So if you see it and assume I’ve made a spelling mistake, I haven’t. If there’s any other mistakes, let me know.