On the Edge

11 Aug

Tonight, instead of thinking about how much I’d rather die and stop existing, I’m choosing to instead write about how I’m faring. I don’t know how many people read these posts, or find it helpful/interesting etc, but I guess I just need to vent somehow, without inconveniencing others.

I would love to say that I’ve gotten better and that things are under control, but that would be one of the biggest lies I would ever have to tell. Honestly, I feel like I’m on the edge most of the time. I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope where I can’t see the end and the bottom looks inviting in its despair. But I can’t miss a step and fall into the abyss because everybody keeps telling me to live. But isn’t that selfish? Telling me that they want me to live, and yet putting me in the position where I have to keep suffering; day after day. Everybody tells me it gets better, and that all I need to is to smile, go out, exercise etc when those are all things that depression & anxiety stops me from doing in the first place. And when I can’t; when I’m in tears, frustrated or angry; they tell me I’m not trying hard enough.

See, the thing is that I’m trying. I’m trying every day. Every day that I’m still alive is proof that I’m trying even if I’m just lying in bed. Because it’s so hard, to have to keep living with myself; with the thoughts in my head. It’s so hard to keep living and trying when I’m so weak and exhausted by this battle. Even a trip to Japan didn’t halve the pain. Sure, I loved it but it was just a minor distraction. The whole time I was there; I was trying to hold in the tears, in the frustration, in the worries and the pain. And when I came back, I had to try my best to keep pretending that things had gotten better and when I failed, I was questioned as to why. Why aren’t you better. You just went to Japan, why are you still depressed. And I didn’t know how to answer. I still don’t know to answer.

If I wasn’t scared of failing, and if I wasn’t scared of the scars I could leave my family with, I would’ve just passed on by now. I rarely feel good about myself and I feel like I’m a burden to everyone in my life. I can see the pain and frustration my parent’s get by my tears, my appointments and my unhappiness. I can see my boyfriend’s patience waning as he no longer wants to hold me when I’m down, to deal with my moods, to take me to my appointments, to even spend time with me. I feel like I’m a burden to everyone that’s close to me and I just want to stop feeling so guilty. I don’t want to be alive to see them give up on me. The pain is already unbearable enough. Can’t I just get respite? Can’t I just stop existing?

I no longer feel my life is worth living, nor do I feel my existence is valuable. Isn’t that the end then?

Advertisements

2 Responses to “On the Edge”

  1. cynthiiee August 12, 2015 at 9:06 am #

    i wish i had the right words for you, but nothing is louder than the voices in your head. I hope you find the words to articulate the pain and confusion, and find the courage to ask for the space to stand up on your own again.

  2. Busty Diaries January 9, 2017 at 11:21 am #

    Wow. I just discovered your blog. Your comments are so true to how I have felt in the past. Your comments have really struck a chord with me… I just wanted to say how brave you are & I’m proud that you’re still here. Xo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: