Faded wings

The butterfly sat in the corner, with her knees pulled up and her covering her face. Her body was shaking as her wings crumpled around her, slightly torn and faded. A tiny sob escaped her mouth, so quiet that it would not have been heard if not all the other butterflies hadn’t gone out already. She was alone, underneath the velvet petals of her flower. All alone.

Her friends had told her to stay strong; to not fall down that spiral again but it was so hard. It was so hard to keep herself from crying, to keep herself from breaking down. It was so hard to keep up the facade of being okay. It was hard to go out and smile, feeling the way that she did. All she wanted to do was stay inside her flower and cry. She couldn’t keep up the strength to deal with it all, she was dying.
She could tell. She could see the tears in her wings. She could see how the vitality was leaving them; the colour that once was brilliant, was now faded. She was so close to giving up… so close…

Even when she was surrounded by other butterflies and her friends, she felt alone. She had never felt so lonely, so desolate. She felt empty, void of any warmth. She had felt so much pain for so long, she was now numb. Her tears had now dried up and all she could do was to make the sound but even then, her voice was going too. Everything, everything that showed she was alive, was leaving her. She didn’t know how she was even able to make it each day anymore.

Her stomach rumbled. She needed sustenance. If not for the begging of her best friend the day before, she wouldn’t even consider getting out of her flower to go and find nectar to drink. Well, at least I have one reason to live, she thought to herself as she slowly untucked herself from her position. Standing up, she fluttered her wings. It had been so long since she had last flown, they felt stiff and weak.

When she felt that she had shaken them out enough, she flew out of her flower only to be hit by the brilliance of the sunlight shining onto the garden. Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness of her closed flower after being in there for so long, the light had become foreign to her. Blinking several times and with the feeling of disorientation, she clumsily made her way to the nectar market.

On her way, she could hear all the murmurs around her.

Look at her, all alone.

Look at her, she has lost her colour.

Look at her, look at the poor state of her wings.

Look at her, she looks like a mess.

Look at her, she’s broken.

She could feel the stares of the other butterflies and of the bees around her. She just wanted to close her eyes and hide back into the safe haven that was her flower. She prayed that she wouldn’t make more of a fool out herself and she wished that she could just disappear. She wished that she could escape all the stares, all the murmuring, all of the judgement.

Luckily for her, she was able to get her nectar without taking too long and when she was leaving the market, all she could see were all the couples, all of the groups. It stung her heart and pierced her soul, to see how everyone else was able to be so happy, and yet happiness was eluding her when she had wished for it so much.

She wished that she would be able to find someone and become whole again. She wished she could regain her vitality and to shine again. She wished that she could hold someone’s hand and fly along together under the sun. She wished she could have someone to appreciate the flowers with her. She wished for happiness. But she knew no matter how much she wished and prayed, she would not attain it. She was torn and faded. She was broken and battered. She was unwanted and undesirable.

Suddenly, she heard a voice behind her. I want you.

She turned around to see a flash of light in front of her eyes and heard the soft fluttering of wings. Where are you?

I’m here, and I want you. She turned around once again, towards the voice. All she saw was the darkness. Please… I need you. Where are you?

She waited for a moment for a reply but there was nothing. She could not see nor hear a single thing.

It was all just in her head.

It was all just an illusion.

She was just deluding herself into thinking that there was someone out there who wanted her, who needed her.

All she wanted, was to become special again, to become someone.

All she wanted was happiness.

 

Five Fantasy Faces

So I was tagged by heartofparadise to do a post on the personalities of the five people I would surround myself with and bleed into my own self. This was no easy feat because well, I don’t have too many problems with myself or I’ve tried to stop myself from even thinking about it. However, I did manage to make a list.

1. Sheldon Cooper

Sheldon absolutely cracks me up with his blunt honesty and his inability to comprehend the social norms. I also utterly adore his confidence in himself. It’s really something to aspire to for me since I have minimal confidence in my own intelligence. I always second guess my answers and it’s quite a bad trait.

2. Sherlock Holmes

Since I haven’t really watched many versions of this man, I am referring to the Sherlock in Elementary portrayed by Johnny Lee Miller and the Sherlock in Sherlock Holmes portrayed by Robert Downey Jr. However I do believe that the characteristics should all be the same – highly intelligent men who know absolutely everything and can solve any crime possible. I wouldn’t want their drug addictions though, just their abilities to decipher information about a person from seemingly minimal amounts of information.

3. Luna Lovegood

As the Harry Potter Wiki puts it: Luna was an extremely quirky girl with a serene disposition and many eccentric beliefs and qualities. She was a complete nonconformist; she lacked self-consciousness and wasn’t afraid to show who she truly was. Luna was also highly intelligent and unusually perceptive.

Luna is my absolute female idol. I don’t know how to put it into any other way. Although most would perceive her as a weirdo, I found her interesting. If she lived in this day and age, she would be a diamond among diamantes. Where we all strive to turn ourselves into the image society deems as “perfect”, she turns away from that and doesn’t even take notice of it. She has achieved zen (as in she’s understood and accepted herself fully, therefore finding true happiness)

4. Narcissa Malfoy

Okay, I know that a lot of people would be saying ‘what the eff’ to this but I still think she belongs on this list. Narcissa may be proud, cold and she may discriminate against those who aren’t pure bloods, but Narcissa truly loved her family and would do anything to keep them safe. That is the part about her that I admire, how she was able to put aside her pride and actually make Snape make the unbreakable vow with her in order to keep Draco safe. There are various instances in the novels that Narcissa does what she has to, in order to protect her family.

5. Hermione Granger

I’m not sure I need to explain this. Hermione is quite a female icon. She’s intelligent and unafraid to show it; she’s courageous yet level-headed; and she’s highly protective of her friends and of the weak. Every list should have Hermione somewhere on it.