On the Edge

Tonight, instead of thinking about how much I’d rather die and stop existing, I’m choosing to instead write about how I’m faring. I don’t know how many people read these posts, or find it helpful/interesting etc, but I guess I just need to vent somehow, without inconveniencing others.

I would love to say that I’ve gotten better and that things are under control, but that would be one of the biggest lies I would ever have to tell. Honestly, I feel like I’m on the edge most of the time. I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope where I can’t see the end and the bottom looks inviting in its despair. But I can’t miss a step and fall into the abyss because everybody keeps telling me to live. But isn’t that selfish? Telling me that they want me to live, and yet putting me in the position where I have to keep suffering; day after day. Everybody tells me it gets better, and that all I need to is to smile, go out, exercise etc when those are all things that depression & anxiety stops me from doing in the first place. And when I can’t; when I’m in tears, frustrated or angry; they tell me I’m not trying hard enough.

See, the thing is that I’m trying. I’m trying every day. Every day that I’m still alive is proof that I’m trying even if I’m just lying in bed. Because it’s so hard, to have to keep living with myself; with the thoughts in my head. It’s so hard to keep living and trying when I’m so weak and exhausted by this battle. Even a trip to Japan didn’t halve the pain. Sure, I loved it but it was just a minor distraction. The whole time I was there; I was trying to hold in the tears, in the frustration, in the worries and the pain. And when I came back, I had to try my best to keep pretending that things had gotten better and when I failed, I was questioned as to why. Why aren’t you better. You just went to Japan, why are you still depressed. And I didn’t know how to answer. I still don’t know to answer.

If I wasn’t scared of failing, and if I wasn’t scared of the scars I could leave my family with, I would’ve just passed on by now. I rarely feel good about myself and I feel like I’m a burden to everyone in my life. I can see the pain and frustration my parent’s get by my tears, my appointments and my unhappiness. I can see my boyfriend’s patience waning as he no longer wants to hold me when I’m down, to deal with my moods, to take me to my appointments, to even spend time with me. I feel like I’m a burden to everyone that’s close to me and I just want to stop feeling so guilty. I don’t want to be alive to see them give up on me. The pain is already unbearable enough. Can’t I just get respite? Can’t I just stop existing?

I no longer feel my life is worth living, nor do I feel my existence is valuable. Isn’t that the end then?

100615 : A reason to wake

Have you ever thought about going to sleep but you couldn’t think of a reason to wake up?

That’s me, right now. I wanted to go to sleep, but I couldn’t think of a single reason for me to wake up tomorrow. I can’t think of a single thing to look forward to; tomorrow or even the day after. I know it’ll be Friday, but it’ll just be another repetitive week: wake up at 7am, go to work, go home, have dinner, watch Friends and sleep. I know that I’m heading to Japan soon, but thinking about the time before that, I can’t think of any reason to keep going.

My thoughts aren’t suicidal at the moment exactly… maybe tired. I really am just tired of everything right now. I can’t think of a single reason as to why it would be bad to not wake up tomorrow. I know that everyone will remind me that I’m young, and there’s so much more of life to discover and enjoy. But I’m too tired to even care. I feel like I’ve already reached the height (or bottom I guess) of my emotional rollercoaster and I’m already sick of being so low, and not really being excited or happy about life.

I don’t think if you saw me around these days, you would recognise me because I look different before the depression hit full force. I’ve been stress eating, my body is constantly in pain, I never have a good night’s sleep anymore… I’ve aged at least 10 years in the past few weeks. I look like a zombie. My mother is always telling me I look like an old woman now.

I honestly feel like an old woman though. I feel like I’ve taken enough life out of my body and mind. My body aches, my heart is hurt from the anxiety. I get headaches from lack of sleep. I just don’t know of any reason for me to wake up tomorrow. And it’s killing me even further inside. I’m running out of tears to cry every night. Crying is supposed to make us feel better but now, it feels like crying is redundant because no matter how many tears I shed every night, I still feel as shitty the next day.

And I no longer feel like myself anymore. I feel like I’m a ghost of my old self… I feel like a shell overtaken by negative energy. My dad tells me I’m probably possessed by a negative ghost and I’ve got to fight it off… but I can’t. I’m exhausted and lost and confused. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t understand myself anymore. I feel like an observer who makes everything worse in ‘Anna’s’ life. I feel disconnected from myself, if that makes sense. I think I’ve gone off the footpath and walked into the scary forest you’re supposed to avoid.

I thought if I took time off of uni, things will ease off… and it did. For awhile and then the personal things started to attack me even more. I’m bruised, battered and fragile. I don’t know how to differentiate between truth and lies. I’m paranoid and unbelieving of everyone. It’s hard to be this way. It’s hard to be constantly be pushed down by the negativity, to be rained on without an umbrella in the storm. I don’t know how I’ll keep going… and if I can even make it. I don’t know if it’s better to be alive and be constantly unhappy, anxious, worried, angry and paranoid or to just submit myself to the void and feel nothing.

A lot of the time nowadays… I feel like the latter is the better option. But one step at a time… I guess I have to try and figure out a reason to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow.