100615 : A reason to wake

Have you ever thought about going to sleep but you couldn’t think of a reason to wake up?

That’s me, right now. I wanted to go to sleep, but I couldn’t think of a single reason for me to wake up tomorrow. I can’t think of a single thing to look forward to; tomorrow or even the day after. I know it’ll be Friday, but it’ll just be another repetitive week: wake up at 7am, go to work, go home, have dinner, watch Friends and sleep. I know that I’m heading to Japan soon, but thinking about the time before that, I can’t think of any reason to keep going.

My thoughts aren’t suicidal at the moment exactly… maybe tired. I really am just tired of everything right now. I can’t think of a single reason as to why it would be bad to not wake up tomorrow. I know that everyone will remind me that I’m young, and there’s so much more of life to discover and enjoy. But I’m too tired to even care. I feel like I’ve already reached the height (or bottom I guess) of my emotional rollercoaster and I’m already sick of being so low, and not really being excited or happy about life.

I don’t think if you saw me around these days, you would recognise me because I look different before the depression hit full force. I’ve been stress eating, my body is constantly in pain, I never have a good night’s sleep anymore… I’ve aged at least 10 years in the past few weeks. I look like a zombie. My mother is always telling me I look like an old woman now.

I honestly feel like an old woman though. I feel like I’ve taken enough life out of my body and mind. My body aches, my heart is hurt from the anxiety. I get headaches from lack of sleep. I just don’t know of any reason for me to wake up tomorrow. And it’s killing me even further inside. I’m running out of tears to cry every night. Crying is supposed to make us feel better but now, it feels like crying is redundant because no matter how many tears I shed every night, I still feel as shitty the next day.

And I no longer feel like myself anymore. I feel like I’m a ghost of my old self… I feel like a shell overtaken by negative energy. My dad tells me I’m probably possessed by a negative ghost and I’ve got to fight it off… but I can’t. I’m exhausted and lost and confused. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t understand myself anymore. I feel like an observer who makes everything worse in ‘Anna’s’ life. I feel disconnected from myself, if that makes sense. I think I’ve gone off the footpath and walked into the scary forest you’re supposed to avoid.

I thought if I took time off of uni, things will ease off… and it did. For awhile and then the personal things started to attack me even more. I’m bruised, battered and fragile. I don’t know how to differentiate between truth and lies. I’m paranoid and unbelieving of everyone. It’s hard to be this way. It’s hard to be constantly be pushed down by the negativity, to be rained on without an umbrella in the storm. I don’t know how I’ll keep going… and if I can even make it. I don’t know if it’s better to be alive and be constantly unhappy, anxious, worried, angry and paranoid or to just submit myself to the void and feel nothing.

A lot of the time nowadays… I feel like the latter is the better option. But one step at a time… I guess I have to try and figure out a reason to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow.