Archive | April, 2013

Happily Ever After

20 Apr

Doesn’t exist.

Oh, did I burst your little harlequin romance bubble? (The Ugly Truth).

I don’t think you even need to be a rocket scientist to even figure that out these days. You can just look at the divorce rate – 50% of marriages end in divorce. I don’t know about you, but a 50% chance of my marriage being the one that survives… well that’s just scary. I feel like I should stop chasing it, and I’m only 18.

I know at 18 I shouldn’t really be worrying about this. I should be having the time of my life, enjoying the uni life to the fullest etc etc. But I don’t find it appealing at all. There’s nothing appealing about ruining my health by drinking excessively or catching an sti from someone after hooking up with them whilst drunk. There’s nothing appealing about having relationships that don’t end up anywhere. They just feel like a waste of time, effort and money. Which they are really… why invest your time in something that you know won’t last?

Some might argue that they like the company, affection or knowing that they have somebody there which I have to admit, is pretty awesome but then again, the price attached to that is pretty high. You’ll need to spend money on this person (especially if you’re a guy), you’ve got to make time for this person, give up some stuff for this person and you’ll probably end up loving them. But in the end, you both know that you’ll break up anyways. So why bother?

But really… at only 18, I’m sick of it all. I’m sick of the games. I’m sick of chasing it. I really am. It could be my depression talking but I feel jaded. I’m sick of meeting the wrong guys. I’m sick of dates going nowhere or ending badly. I’m sick of waiting for guys making the first move, yet they never do and only reveal that they were interested after much circling and me making the first move. I’m sick of getting rejected. I’m sick of the worrying about it all. I’m sick of it all. I’ve just gone on too many dates and deleted too many numbers off of my phone. I just wish for this impossible happily ever after.

I know that its impossible to be always happy in a relationship so the happily ever after doesn’t really ‘exist’. What I mean is the happily ever after where i really like or even love the other person and we spend a lot of our time together, doing just the simple things like enjoying a cuddle on the couch; cooking a meal together; taking a walk together; laughing together; having long debates that take us from topic to topic and just enjoying the time together. But it all really seems like a fantasy that isn’t bound to happen because it just feels like I’ve gone through so much, yet I still haven’t managed to have a person in my life that I could do all those things with.

I feel like half of a romantic just thinking about all these things. I feel jaded about dating but I still can’t help but wish for a man who smells like heaven and gives me a bouquet of flowers on our first date. A man whom I would really click with and am able to be myself with. A man who can make me laugh and smile all the time – and never faking it either. I want a man who I would enjoy everything life has to offer with and whom I would have great chemistry with. I want a man who I would heat up the sheets with and never get bored. I want Mr. Impossible.

But he doesn’t exist. Happy ever after doesn’t exist…. but its something that I’m wishing will be proved wrong…


6 Apr

Sometimes I wonder what you’ve been up to – whether you’re happy and content without me in your life or are you struggling to fill the space that I’ve left? I wonder if our parting was an abrupt occasion or was it destined to happen sooner or later and then I wonder if it was a mistake. Was it a mistake to leave such a gap in each others lives? Was our actions leading up to that event a terrible sequence of events? Will it be something that we both regret in the future?

I recall that last moment before we said our goodbyes. It felt like there was just so much that needed to be said but the air between us couldn’t be filled with words. I recall how neither of us particularly wanted to leave but it had to be done, we had to part.

It was also the last time I saw your face.