Tag Archives: rant

On the Edge

11 Aug

Tonight, instead of thinking about how much I’d rather die and stop existing, I’m choosing to instead write about how I’m faring. I don’t know how many people read these posts, or find it helpful/interesting etc, but I guess I just need to vent somehow, without inconveniencing others.

I would love to say that I’ve gotten better and that things are under control, but that would be one of the biggest lies I would ever have to tell. Honestly, I feel like I’m on the edge most of the time. I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope where I can’t see the end and the bottom looks inviting in its despair. But I can’t miss a step and fall into the abyss because everybody keeps telling me to live. But isn’t that selfish? Telling me that they want me to live, and yet putting me in the position where I have to keep suffering; day after day. Everybody tells me it gets better, and that all I need to is to smile, go out, exercise etc when those are all things that depression & anxiety stops me from doing in the first place. And when I can’t; when I’m in tears, frustrated or angry; they tell me I’m not trying hard enough.

See, the thing is that I’m trying. I’m trying every day. Every day that I’m still alive is proof that I’m trying even if I’m just lying in bed. Because it’s so hard, to have to keep living with myself; with the thoughts in my head. It’s so hard to keep living and trying when I’m so weak and exhausted by this battle. Even a trip to Japan didn’t halve the pain. Sure, I loved it but it was just a minor distraction. The whole time I was there; I was trying to hold in the tears, in the frustration, in the worries and the pain. And when I came back, I had to try my best to keep pretending that things had gotten better and when I failed, I was questioned as to why. Why aren’t you better. You just went to Japan, why are you still depressed. And I didn’t know how to answer. I still don’t know to answer.

If I wasn’t scared of failing, and if I wasn’t scared of the scars I could leave my family with, I would’ve just passed on by now. I rarely feel good about myself and I feel like I’m a burden to everyone in my life. I can see the pain and frustration my parent’s get by my tears, my appointments and my unhappiness. I can see my boyfriend’s patience waning as he no longer wants to hold me when I’m down, to deal with my moods, to take me to my appointments, to even spend time with me. I feel like I’m a burden to everyone that’s close to me and I just want to stop feeling so guilty. I don’t want to be alive to see them give up on me. The pain is already unbearable enough. Can’t I just get respite? Can’t I just stop existing?

I no longer feel my life is worth living, nor do I feel my existence is valuable. Isn’t that the end then?

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Great Expectations

19 Nov

At work, my supervisor likes to turn on the radio to Fox Fm which will usually play the top hits of the day which right now, contains Justin Bieber’s Beauty and a Beat. As I was listening to the lyrics, I couldn’t help but feel a bit irritated at the lines:

I wanna show you all the finer things in life
So just forget about the world, we’re young tonight

Now, these aren’t an unusual bunch of lines. Many singers will sing about being young and enjoying the finer things in life. There’s nothing wrong with that, except it creates false expectations or even unfair expectations for males with girlfriends who listens to this sort of music (I usually don’t, but when it’s blasting out of the radio at a high volume, one can’t help but listen). The expectation that men and boys are meant to spend vast amounts of money on their girlfriends to show them “the finer things in life”.

Now I’ve been in the dating game for a long time and I do remember a time when I too, expected boyfriends to shower me with gifts and pay for everything but that was when I was young and naive and quite stupid, which is the best way to put it I think. I soon grew out of those thoughts when I entered my long-term and serious relationship where I learnt a great deal about being in a real relationship which included equality – splitting the bill, giving equal amounts of gifts etc.

I know that even though I grew out of those thoughts, many girls still haven’t and everyday there are more and more girls that are affected by such songs and before they even begin to date, already have this mindset that they will be entering relationships and judging them about how much of the “finer things in life” their partners will show them. They aren’t judging the relationship by the quality of the chemistry or how well they get along, but what gifts the guy will give them after fights, or during anniversary or the material things they will receive during this time. This is very, very unfair.

It is very unfair to expect the boy to pay for everything, just because of his gender. It’s unfair that he will have to use his hard-earned money to entertain the girl and to keep her. Why can’t she spend her money on him? Is there a difference in value between the money from a female and money from a male? Why is it that we as women expect equality given to us yet we force inequality on males? Perhaps it can be forgiven that they are young and therefore stupid, but what about those 20 year old girls that still expect the same? Sure, in the dating world, the guy should pay on the first date and that’s it. After that, it’s fair for him to expect the girl to help with the bill. I don’t think that’s wrong at all, I would not go on a second date with a guy who doesn’t pay on the first date. It’s one thing to be unfair, but another to not be a gentleman.

It is the relationship after the first date that really matters isn’t it? We’ve judged each other after the first and if there’s a second, then we’ve decided we’ve liked them right? So why do girls expect the guy to give them things in order to keep the girl in their life? If someone expected me to pay for everything and give them gifts, I’d kick them out of my life, I don’t want them in it. What happened to the little things, the simpler things and the only things that mattered were the thoughts and feelings put in? Why is it that a poem that took days to write will be overshadowed by a designer bag? This isn’t how it’s meant to be but it seems that it’s what society demands – to be as materialistic as possible. They tell us that a good date is one where we’re taken out to a really nice but expensive restaurant, where he will order champagne and pay for it all. I’d much rather he would cook me a dinner from scratch and even if it doesn’t taste like a chef made it, just him trying his best to make something for me would be enough. Even better, we would make it together and both contribute something!

The materialistic-ness of the “pop” world is probably why I don’t bother with it. I don’t seek out pop music or even rap because there is a very high chance that they will be singing about buying things, spending money on their partners and that’s what love is. It isn’t, not at all but they are feeding many susceptible minds with that thought and that makes me feel sad that society is so materialistic and like a virus, it wants to spread it to as many people as possible. Perhaps in a thousand years, we’ll all be emotionless robots as we wouldn’t know the value of things such as effort, or care and we wouldn’t know what real love is any more. We’d consider the quality of the relationship by the amount of money spent, not the hours poured over making it, or the thoughts put in. It makes me sad that young teens are affected by this and so very often, I’d read about girls gushing over the latest present they’d gotten from their boyfriends instead of gushing over the time and effort the boy went through procuring this gift, or about how meaningful the gift is because to me, a designer bag doesn’t have much sentimental value at all. It’s a nice gift and I would appreciate it if my guy got me one, but it would be even nicer if he would write a song, record it and give it to me. That is a gift I would love even more and I hope that in the future, girls will stop taking materialistic thoughts to heart and learn to appreciate the real best things in life that happen to be free, only costing time and effort which should always be appreciated.

I don’t know what to do with my life

2 Oct

I’ve sat in front of this computer and contemplated my course choices over and over again. I have no idea if I’ve chosen the right courses for me, nor do I know if I’ve put them in the right order. The course advisor at school told us to put them in order of atar scores – the highest at the top and the lowest towards the bottom. That would be the logical order of things I suppose, but it doesn’t order them in the way I want to do them. I don’t know if my score will be enough or even if my SEAS application will be taken into account and how much it’ll help me.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do. The path ahead of me is so scary and unknown. I stay up at night, worried about the day I get my atar score and what if I’m not good enough? What if my parents get upset at me? What if I’m a disappointment? There are so many what ifs and it only makes everything more difficult.

I’ve thought about science, arts and commerce. I’ve put physiptherapy and medical imaging in which are two courses I do want to do, however one of them is based on a supplementary form and I’m not confident in mine. However, it is the course I want to do the most. It’s also the furthest away from my home.

However, what next? I don’t know if I could possibly find a happy and successful future in a science degree or an arts degree. I don’t know if I am up to the competitive nature of a commerce degree. Knowing the economy, that could lead to an unstable future.

I’m truly at a lost as to what I should do. How do I fill in those 12 slots?

Sometimes I wish I was still a kid

9 Sep

That age we all were in, where life was simple and boys had cooties. At my age, most girls are looking for guys, dating or just plainly hooking up. Love is all about our whimsical desires. I don’t really know many girls in serious relationships (and by serious, I mean past the 2 year honeymoon phase). So I have really nobody to talk to, nobody who really knows what I’m going through and how to give advice that wasn’t “he’s not worth your time, dump him.” Its sad when that is the first response that is given to any relationship trouble. It shows me how little that people care about even fighting for love anymore. It’s probably why the divorce rate in first world countries are so high – we simply want to take the easy way out because we can.

Life isn’t easy and that lesson is taught to us wayy to often, more than it should be taught. In the same vein, love isn’t easy either and it isn’t meant to be. If it was easy, we wouldn’t place such high value on it. However, it seems with everything else in our lives becoming easier, we expect love to be as well. But guess what? Love is the hardest thing anyone will go through in life. There is nothing harder than handling love.

You might be thinking, what does this girl know? She’s only 18. But I do know. I have gone through life experiencing so much hardship. I’ve gone through all kinds of discrimination, abuse/bullying, depression, I’ve even been assaulted in a public place and is just naming a few of the things I’ve been through. I’ve gone through a lot and I understand a lot more than people my age and heck, more than what people twice my age might have gone through.

But my beacon of light through all of this has always been my man. We’ve known each other for more than 4 years and have been on and off throughout those four years, more often on than off. He was the one who was there throughout my darkest times. whenever I was crying or hurting. He was even there when I was angry and I took it all out on him. He’s honestly the best guy I’ve known my whole life and he too has gone through a whole lot of shit.

But our relationship has never been easy and I highly doubt it will ever be easy. We fight often and make each other cry a lot. Honestly, I love him more than he loves me right now and we both know it. Just yesterday, I had to fight to even keep him in my life. Stupid right? There are so many more fish in the sea right? But you know what that line means? That there aren’t many dolphins left.

I love him with all of my heart and I know most people have told me to just leave him, that he’s an asshole and he doesn’t treat me right etc but they don’t know him. They don’t know everything that has happened. They could never understand. He is the sweetest, smartest and bravest guy I know. He hasn’t saved a life but he lives seperate from his family who are doing good for the world, on a low income. He studies whilst looking after his house and cooking and cleaning. He is absolutely amazing and nobody could ever compare to him.

You know how everyone has that best friend, the one that knows you like no other? Well he’s that for me. He is the love of my life and I will always love him. He knows and understands me so well. It’s hard for me to hold on, and its hard for him too but we keep trying because tomorrow is always another day.

I know some of my friends would be angry that I am still with him and fighting for us, but I don’t care. I really don’t care anymore. They caused a rift between us once but will never again. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I would not be here, strong and alive if it wasn’t for him. Yes, sometimes we don’t talk for months but we both know that the other is there and that we still love each other. I’m his princess and he’s my prince. I love him more than anything and I will always fight for him.